Crossing the Red Sea...Go Back or Go Forward...Choose Life

Dear Friends, The year long journey from the ER to the OR to mourning and grief, toward silent shrieks and loud screams to a funeral and cemetery, to countless acts of kindness, to meeting angels sent by G-d or Sue, or who are just here and I didn't see them,  took me to the shore of the Red Sea last Wednesday morning.  The Scriptural reading for the seventh day of Passover is from the Book of Exodus and includes reading the Song at the Sea when Miriam celebrates freedom with music and dance. So, as I write this blog which will be the basis of the conclusion of the book which will contain these blogs and which is currently being edited by a very special student (maybe another angel?), I reflect on where I have been and where I am going. Many mornings as part of the religious service that I attend periodically by zoom, we often read the Biblical verses that say "I place before you the blessing and the curse, life and death, therefore choose life." It is more than past time to choose life.  Everyone with whom I have spoken over the past year has said that Sue would not want me to be sad but rather to rejoice and choose life.  I will ALWAYS wonder why....(and not be the first to do so...)  I will always feel that Sue's passing was a curse for those of us who knew her and loved her.  But, for her, as her grandfather would say, "one never knows what is good luck and what is bad luck"  If the genetic condition of FMD (fibro muscular dysplasia) was going to rear its ugly head at some point and debilitate her, then it is a blessing that her suffering was minimal and that she left this world full of life.  If the doctors are right and this could have occurred many years ago, then truly all the time we had together was a special blessing and I should be thanking G-d everyday rather than cursing G-d as I have done. So...I am left with the following choice and I am finally going to listen to all of you who have cared to support me during this journey. I am going to choose to be joyful and try to move forward, blessed with countless memories and the belief that Sue would be smiling if she were to be reading this.  Her joy permeated everything she did and it is now time to lessen the sadness and experience that happiness and sparkle in my life. What will it mean to be joyful?  I honestly don't know since so much of my joy was tied in with her and the love she shared with all of us.  It is a journey with which I have no familiarity and it is scary. When we left our wedding I was nervous about how we would handle this new journey of marriage and being on our own.  We had a wonderful journey and as a treasured friend has convinced me, we won the game of marriage and were World Series champions.  We had some rough innings and games along the way, but our love carried us through the moments when our human emotions and behaviors might have caused us to need a relief pitcher.  But with love and support, we continued to play ball, win games, and now I must face this new season and figure out how to fill the hours, days, weeks, months, and years with happiness and joy. So, where have I turned?  I will give a shout out to a very special colleague, Rabbi Sandy Sasso, who wrote a book, "Miriam's Dancing Shoes."  I strongly encourage you all to read this book, written for children, but profoundly applicable to the challenges that many of us face.  And I hope that I can follow her dancing shoes and experience songs of joy. The Psalmist has written to sing unto G-d a new song.  I will try to hear Sue's voice and sing a new song, a song of hope and freedom from intense grief.  One of the most intense moments I have experienced in this journey is when I privately pray and look out the patio window and cry hysterically that I hope Sue is okay wherever she is.  I believe that if she is reading this, she will be okay if she knows I am okay.  So, Sue, I am not great, but I am trying to be okay and want you to know I hope your joy is helping you be more than okay wherever you are.  Ana as the tears fill my eyes, I promise you I wlll be okay and will choose a life of joy to honor you.  I am scared and don't know what the future will bring,  But as my Dad said when you first met him and as was played when we recessed at our wedding, when an old violinist whose name I have forgotten (Sol Cohen????) escorted us out with the song, "Que Sera Sera" what will be will be. Finally, I will continue to write a blog on the following site https://rabbibruceaft.blogspot.com and you can occasionally check in if you wish. I am forever and eternally grateful for your company along the way during this past year.  I will reach out sometimes and send you my thoughts directly but will often just write my blog here.  By the way, if you go to the blogger site and can't access my blog, please let me know. Computers continue to baffle me... I know I have said this numerous times but just once more...Thanks for all your caring and support.  Although I didn't tell Sue often enough, I do want to tell you that I love you all for your support and caring. One of our children's favorite blessings which we shared at their wedding is a Gaelic expression... "May the roads rise with you, may the wind always be at your back.  And may G-d hold you in the hollow of G-d's hand.  Thanks for holding me. Shabbat shalom and Sabbath Peace, Rabbi Bruce Aft (please read a little more...) Dear Bruce, I have been reading your blogs and I will be joyful if I know you can find joy.  And please don't doubt that I want you to be happy and joyful.  And although you know this already, I love you so much.  And Bruce, you didn't say you loved me as much as I might have liked, but more importantly, you showed me how much you loved me, every waking moment of our lives together.  I am so lucky we had over 50 years together.  And I am adding what we gave each other for our 13th anniversary.  We didn't read it that often to each other anymore but we felt it in our souls. And in case I didn't say this enough, I hope you will remember I love you and from that moment in the President's garden at the University of Illinois  when you took the picture of the older couple, through our banter on the way  to  the OR when I told you  that if something happened, that Aaron gets the baseball cards (our standing joke about what would happen if we passed away) to your wanting to tickle my feet (you are lucky you didn't:-)), and yes as you kissed me, I have loved you and love you so so so so much.  And for those reading this, I really did like his jokes although I could have done without the baseball games.  (but you loved them so much and I loved when you loved something because I loved and will continue to love you). Love. Sue Danny Siegel's "IN LOCO EISHES CHAYIL" IN LOCO EISHES CHAYIL From And God Braided Eve's Hair by Danny Siegel (United Synagogue of America, 1976). (Husband embraces and kisses wife, then takes her hand and recites:) I love you What you have done for me this week, comforting me, challenging me, privileging me with your grandeur, I shall never have the skill, the genius to articulate. Dragged down again and again by mundane and commonplace jobs and burdens, I am raised by your arms once more to your visions of myself-with-you. Because of you I will never know despair or the claws and clutch of loneliness. You are a constant revelation, a reminder of all the Noble and the Upright of the Earth, and I shall never know for what reason I have been graced by your love. Companion. Ineffably precious friend. Each moment is a Bracha-blessing because of you, each day a portion of the primal mysteries of Sinai and Creation, each tomorrow a taste of Future Worlds. My metaphors are meek: For you move my soul in ways only the eloquence-of-silence can express. And yet, you see, I must speak. I love you. -- Please check out my blog at the following link! https://rabbibruceaft.blogspot.com