May We Be Sealed for a Year of Healing and Hope

Dear Friends and Family, As I continue to grieve, I appreciate all your support throughout this journey. I am supported by a wonderful network of caring people and with all your support, I  hope and pray that I will find joy in memories and not dwell in the darkness. It is traditional at this time of year in the Jewish religion to say g'mar hatimah tovah which is to tell people that we hope they may all be sealed for a year of healing and hope. I have submitted the following blog to my editor for the book which she is working on completing.  As a new year note, I wanted to share it with you. Shabbat shalom, Sabbath peace, Bruce As I write this, I am overwhelmed with emotion and honestly have begun to wonder at times whether I will ever know happiness again.   But...then something happens and I feel Sue's presence and realize that she continues  to send me reasons to be joyful (or maybe these messages are Divinely sent) It is customary to visit the cemetery during the High Holiday period and I paid my  respects to Sue this week.  In what ranks as a wonderfully kind gesture, a friend gave me a stone to put on Sue's grave that their children had decorated with a heart.  We leave stones on the grave instead of flowers since the stones could be there forever (flowers die)  and our prayers are that the memory of our loved ones will be eternal.   As I said the Mourner's Kaddish, I once again was reminded of Sue's genuine kindness and optimism.  I somehow wish I could internalize her joy and remember the glorious memories which we made. It continues to be such a struggle.  The kindness shown by my friend and their child was overwhelming as I place the beautifully decorated stone on Sue's marker. I spoke to a friend and told them that I felt that I was trying to rebuild my life with worn out tools.They reminded me of the strong foundation upon which I was building that includes our children, grandchildren, and caring friends.  It was a reminder of how devoted Sue was to making sure that our family would be loving and caring.  She was the consummate role model of someone for whom it was always her family first.  What a gift she gave me and our entire family....it is truly a gift that in her absence physically, I cannot repay.  I am trying though through being kind and loving to the best of my ability. On Yom Kippur, our day of atonement, I hope I will be forgiven for sometimes missing the mark. I also have come around to at least thinking about the fact that Sue's sudden death might have been merciful (even though WAY TOO  SOON) since she will always be remembered as a vibrant person  who didn't suffer through a prolonged illness.  Perhaps this is a manifestation of G-d's mercy in action if I could only see it or....  Lots of questions and no answers.... So, once again on Yom Kippur I will be speaking about the fine line between joy and sorrow and what we can do to live in the gray zone caught between happiness and sadness, joy and grief, and hopefully will find the spiritual strength to forgive myself for not being a better husband and to forgive G-d for taking her away when G-d did. I hope and pray  that G-d will forgive my questioning and antagonism and that we will continue to wrestle. Perhaps G-d is grieving also and wishes that Sue had not passed away (life can be random according to Rabbi Harold Kushner and others)  and that together we can find a way forward...Lots of questions and no answers.  The journey continues and is a work in progress and is what I have termed a yo yo journey with lots of ups and downs. Finally, we recite Psalm 27 this time of year which is found below. I pray for the courage with which the Psalm concludes.  I also am including a link (or put this in your browser) for the words to a song that continue to remind me of the thin line between joy and sorrow.  The lyrics are also below.  (for those who read this regularly, this is not the first time you are seeing it)  Please scroll way  down:-)  Computers and I have our moments... Thanks for listening. Rabbi Bruce Aft Flowers Never Bend with the rainfall "Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall" Through the corridors of sleep Past the shadows dark and deep My mind dances and leaps in confusion I don't know what is real I can't touch what I feel And I hide behind the shield of my illusion So I'll continue to continue to pretend That my life will never end And the flowers never bend With the rainfall The mirror on my wall Casts an image dark and small But I'm not sure at all it's my reflection I am blinded by the light Of God and truth and right And I wander in the night without direction So I'll continue to continue to pretend That my life will never end And the flowers never bend With the rainfall It's no matter if you're born To play the king or pawn For the line is thinly drawn 'tween joy and sorrow And so my fantasy Becomes reality And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow So I'll continue to continue to pretend That my life will never end And the flowers never bendWith the rainfall Let Your Heart Take Courage Psalm 27 Of David. Adonai is my light and my salvation:     whom should I fear? Adonai is the stronghold of my life:     whom should I dread? 2 When evildoers approached me to devour my flesh —my adversaries and my foes—they stumbled and fell. 3 Though an army camp besieges me, my heart will not fear. Though war breaks out against me, even then will I be confident. 4 One thing have I asked of Adonai, that will I seek: to dwell in the House of Adonai     all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of Adonai,     and to meditate in His Temple. 5 For in the day of trouble He will hide me in His sukkah, conceal me in the shelter of His tent, and set me high upon a rock. 6 Then will my head be high above my enemies around me. In His Tabernacle I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy. I will sing, yes, sing praises to Adonai.7 Hear, Adonai, when I call with my voice, be gracious to me and answer me. 8 To You my heart says: “Seek My face.” Your face, Adonai, I seek. 9 Do not hide Your face from me. Do not turn Your servant away in anger. You have been my help. Do not abandon me or forsake me,     O God my salvation. 10 Though my father and my mother forsake me, Adonai will take me in. 11 Teach me Your way, Adonai, and lead me on a level path— because of my enemies. 12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes. For false witnesses rise up against me,     breathing out violence. 13 Surely I trust that I will see the goodness of Adonai in the land of the living. 14 Wait for Adonai. Be strong, let Your heart take courage,     and wait for Adonai.