A Little Different than We Hoped For

Dear Family and Friends, Please know as I write this on May 22, 2026, the night before what is Sue and my 50th wedding anniversary, I am surrounded by our children and grandchildren. Although this final chapter in my year of grieving from just before Passover of last year through Shavuot of this year (one can look up descriptions of these Festivals by doing an internet search)  is intensely emotional, I am okay. Those who read these blogs (and I am deeply appreciative of all of you who have told me you read them and particularly to those of you who have supported me in so many profound ways), you know I write them as a catharsis. Tonight is immensely emotional and of all the moments I have missed Sue, tonight may be the time I miss her the most.  So here goes as I try to put into words the feelings that are permeating my soul. Shavuot is known as the time of the giving of the !0 Commandments and in Hebrew the words are "zman matan Torah" the gift of receiving the Torah.  Sue and I were blessed with the gift of each other.  What a sacred  journey filled with laughter, filled with tears, filled with rewards and challenges, and most importantly, filled with love and kindness (and baseball games and bad jokes:-)).  We read the Scroll of Ruth and Ruth is known for her kindness.  It is not by accident that our 50th anniversary is the second day of Shavuot for those who celebrate two days of the Festival.  Celebrating Ruth's kindness on a day on which I remember and long for Sue's kindness is a wonderful gift.  The second day of Shavuot is also a traditional time to remember as we observe YIzkor (the Memorial Service). So as I sit alone with everyone gone to sleep, I think about so many special times which I remember. As I expressed in Sue's eulogy over a year ago, every day, Sue would come bounding down the stairs and say, "What Can I Getcha?"  What I would give to hear her say those words again.... I remember the moments when we would say that we rejoice, how goodly is our lot  I remember talking about how blessed we were. Some of you will remember the words from the group, "Bread" which I quoted months ago. You sheltered me from harm. Kept me warm, kept me warm You gave my life to me Set me free, Set me free The finest years I ever knew were all the years I had with you I would give anything I own, Give up my life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own, just to have you back again. You taught me how to love, What its of, what its of. You never said too much, but still you showed the way, and I knew from watching you. Nobody else could ever know the part of me that can't let go. And I would give anything I own, Give up my life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own Just to have you back again. Is there someone you know, you're loving them so, but taking them all for granted. You may lose them one day, someone takes them away, and they don't hear the words you long to say I would give anything I own, Give up my life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own Just to have you back again, Just to touch you once again. Sue, I wish you were back tonight and that as the kids and grandkids are all sleeping, that you and I would snuggle and celebrate the joy and blessings with which were bestowed upon us. We would be kvelling (a Yiddish word for taking great pride) in the family we created.   In a poem by Archibald MacLeish about Memorial Day (See below), he writes that we need to give meaning to the lives of those who devoted themselves to serving our country.  I hope we will continue to give meaning to Sue's life through love, kindness, and trying to heal our broken world.   I continue to remember her last text to me where she said, "staying alive, staying alive, ooh ooh ooh staying alive."  I hope we can keep our hopes for a better world alive in the midst of the challenges we face. Finally, so many of you have accompanied and continue to accompany me on my journey and so I close this part of my grieving process with words to a song which were shared with me by one of you in a particularly challenging moment for me. When you walk  Through a storm  Hold your head up high And don't be afraid  Of the dark At the end of the storm  Is a golden sky And the sweet silver song  Of a lark Walk on  Through the wind Walk on  Through the rain Though your dreams  Be tossed  And blown Walk on Walk on With hope in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone...(from Carousel) Because of the love and strength you have all shared with me, I know that Sue's legacy will live on.  As Dan Fogelberg writes in "Leader of the Band." I am a living legacy to Sue.(the leader of our band). So, instead of sharing this precious time with Sue, I am sharing it with all of you.  I am treasuring the memories which you have shared with me, my book editor is working hard to make these blogs a meaningful tribute to Sue, and I will continue to miss Sue and although I will never walk alone, when I walk with Sue, it will be with her in my heart and soul. So I close with a brief note to Sue... Dear Snoozie, (my pet name for her because she loved to sleep in as you may remember), Our 50th wedding anniversary is a little different than we had hoped for...but when we are all together tomorrow and Sunday, I hope, pray, and believe you will be very present. Do you remember the day we were wed and we recessed to "Que Sera Sera"? Do you remember our 10th anniversary and Love Is...10  years together? Do you remember in Loco Eshes Chayil for our 13th anniversary? Do you remember our 25th anniversary where you asked me to  tell  you more often that I love you?  I hope I showed you because I never did tell you enough and I am so very sorry.... Do you remember the 36 purple roses for our 36th Double Chai Anniversary where I told you you serve a purple heart for being married to me for 36 years? Do you remember our 40th anniversary where we were prisoners of love when we visited Alcatraz (I know that I goofed on this one...but you have to admit it was creative:-)) Do you remember our 48th anniversary when we were celebrating my 70th birthday on Route 66?   You and I argued about eating sugar and you told me it would be all right that night but I pushed back?  We have pictures taken by our kids where we were far away from each other in our booth and gradually moved closer and closer until we embraced. Who knew that would be the final time we would embrace on a wedding anniversary? So, my beloved and friend, we will have to embrace tomorrow in our hearts.  In a way, we have done that since September of 1974 when our love affair started. I love you, Snooze, and I can't control the tears right now.  But tomorrow, the joy of our family will transcend the sadness and we will celebrate being soul mates in life and in death. I miss you, Sue....but I know you are never far from any and all of us who love you and who you loved and to whom you were always so kind. With sparkles, and love to my best friend, Bruce The Young Dead Soldiers Do Not SpeakThe young dead soldiers do not speak.  Nevertheless, they are heard in the still houses:  who has not heard them?  They have a silence that speaks for them at night  and when the clock counts.  They say: We were young. We have died.  Remember us.  They say: We have done what we could  but until it is finished it is not done.  They say: We have given our lives but until it is finished  no one can know what our lives gave.  They say: Our deaths are not ours: they are yours,  they will mean what you make them.  They say: Whether our lives and our deaths were for  peace and a new hope or for nothing we cannot say,  it is you who must say this.  We leave you our deaths. Give them their meaning.  We were young, they say. We have died; remember us.