Home Alone, Reflections, and More Signs...Approaching 38 Weeks

Hi Everyone, I have been blessed by the presence of so many  of you through email, texts, zoom, meetings, and phone calls. This morning, for the first time during this Holidays season without papers to grade, classes to teach, and meetings to attend, it has hit me that I am home alone.  It has been a challenging morning filled with laughter and tears. I have been reflecting on a number of things and appreciate your willingness to read these emails.  Once again, as a number of you have done, please let me know if you want me to remove your name from my list and I will happily accommodate your request.  Sue would be surprised that any of you are still reading theses and would say to me "you said all this already" although she knew I would continue to say what is in my heart. As I drove back from the Midwest on Saturday and Sunday   and listened to Radio Chanukah, I continued to receive signs of her presence throughout the drive. There was a particularly poignant sign when I was challenged by mixed emotions of the prospect of seeing our grandchildren again without her.  The song that came on the satellite Radio Chaukah station was "Erev Shel Shoshanim, an evening of lilies" It is based upon verses from the Song of Songs in the Bible and is a metaphor for the love between G-d and the Jewish people.  It was Sue and my favorite Hebrew song and in this case was a reminder to share not only my love but her love when I saw the grandkids.  I was filled with lots of emotions about seeing our family and can truly say that the visits with all four of our children, their partners, and our grandchildren, were filled with joy.  Sue's love was all over the place and I think that hearing the song was a sign that Sue would be with me and that rather than be sad she wasn't there physically, that I should bring her presence into our family time together.  I was so blessed in those moments with the family and experienced the words of  Psalm 23 that say, "our cup runneth over, surely  goodness and kindness will follow me for the rest of my life." Yesterday morning I left very  early and as I drove east I saw the sunrise.  As it rose there were streaks of clouds which spoke to me of the metaphor of the sun being able to shine through the clouds and how joy should appear in the midst of sadness.  I remembered when Sue and I were on Mt. Nebo in Jordan where Moses stood and looked out at the Promised Land.  It was somewhat hazy and I realized in that moment that although Moses saw the Promised Land, he never got there and that sometimes our promised lands, hopes, and dreams are not completely clear without haze and clouds.  I realized yesterday that despite the recent sadness I/we lived in my/our Promised Land for over 50 years. Although it may be hazy and cloudy now, the sun will still  shine and as the sun rose in the sky yesterday and cut through the clouds, the sunshine in my heart can dissipate some of the cloudiness and storms of sadness that have enveloped me for the past 38 weeks.  What a gift it was to be able to experience our promised land together even if not forever and even when there is pain now along with the blessings. There were so many  signs, but I know this is getting long and Sue would try to find my "off button" and say dayenu (enough:-))  But she would not be surprised that I would not be listening to her in this case so keep reading as you wish. Theodore Bikel, a famous folk singer (you can look him up), was featured on Radio Chanukah, and he sang two songs.  They are both from the Broadway Show, "Fiddler on the Roof."  One is Sabbath Prayer where the song concludes with the words "strengthen them Oh Lord  with happiness and peace and hear our Sabbath prayer, amen".  Every Friday night when Sue and I would celebrate Shabbat together on our own once our kids had left home, we would  pray for G-d to be kind to us and grant us peace.  I believe that the future will once again be filled with happiness and peace and as so many  of you continue to tell me, this is what Sue's prayer for me would be. The second song was "To Life, L'chaim" (please look up Theodore Bikel and the three songs to which I have referred in this email.  I hope you will find them to be meaningful and inspirational). In "L'chaim" one of the verses ays, "to us and our good fortune, be happy, be healthy, long life, and if our good fortune never comes, here's to whatever comes, drink L'chaim to life!"  Well although we didn't have as long a life together as we had hoped and for which we had planned, we did have good fortune for 1/2 a century and what a promised land that was.  It truly was and is worthy of saying "L'chaim, to life." Finally, as I had precious moments with each of our children and grandchildren that were joyous and loving, I realized that with Sue in my heart, there would be sacred times ahead with our family and in my heart of hearts I pray that Sue is really somehow with me.  I am hoping to believe that she is living in my soul and if I let her LIVE there and not just mourn for her, she will guide me with the light of Chanukah, the love which we are taught in the Bible that says to love our neighbors as ourselves, and the kindness of our ancestors' teaching that says the world stands on three things which are study, worship and DEEDS OF LOVING KINDNESS). And... given that I am seeing Fiddler on the Roof tonight with some very special people who are among my adopted family here, let me share the following lyrics from Wonder of Wonders, Miracles of Miracles," and I strongly encourage you to listen to these words by  clicking on the link or putting the song into your browser. When David slew Goliath (yes!), that was a miracle. When God gave us manna in the wilderness, that was a miracle too. But of all God's miracles large and small, The most miraculous one of all  Is the one I thought could never be:  God has given you to me. YouTube · John Williams - Topic432.6K+ views · 10 years ago 2:05Provided to YouTube by Universal Music Group Miracle Of Miracles · John Williams · Leonard Frey · "Fiddler On The Roof” Motion Picture ... image.png YouTube · John Williams - Topic 432.6K+ views · 10 years ago image.jpeg 2:05 Provided to YouTube by Universal Music Group Miracle Of Miracles · John Williams · Leonard Frey · "Fiddler On The Roof” Motion Picture ... Yes, Sue, you were, are, and will always be a gift to so many and as your father would say,let's say Baruch, you were, are, and will always be a blessing. Thank you for listening and enjoy a joyous, loving, kind, and safe Holiday season. Rabbi Bruce Aft

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