37 weeks/ light and joy

Dear Friends and Family, As I visit with family without Sue and try to experience the joy  which I know we would have shared together, it has been a tough week. When I was at the airport this morning I asked Sue  to send me a sign or something since I was really struggling as tears fell down my cheeks again (I thought maybe the intensity of the grieving would lessen, but not yet... As the day progressed I will share with  you  the overwhelming number of things that occurred that led me to believe that I was inundated with signs. First some background...When i teach about the Bible, i teach that my  favorite character in the Bible is nameless.  In the Joseph story (many  of  you  will remember this), there is a  character who is referred to as "ha ish" or the person.  It could be any of us and the "person" asks Joseph, "what are you  seeking?"  (or can I help).  The person gives Joseph directions to find his brothers that helps him to survive although he endures much hardship. Without the person asking Joseph what he wanted, the entire saga of human history would havebeen different because Joseph ends up in Egypt, predicts the famine, and saves the world. Sue would often say, "what can I getcha?" As I have said before, she wanted to help others so very much..She clearly  was "ha ish" in the lives of so many. So, let me tell you the moments and people who reminded me  of "the person" or  throughout the day... First of all, there was a tense person on the airplane who was concerned about a luggage issue.  I helped mediate the situation and thought that perhaps this person appeared to remind me that when one is kind, Sue is present.  Maybe??? Tonight I went to services tonight at a synagogue where I served 40 years ago and on the Ark where the Torah is kept, the words "choose life" were on the front.  Sue lived and died as a person filled with life and I believe the Ark may have been a reminder that I need to choose life and not be stuck in my grief. Maybe??? Third, a prayer that was sung at the service tonight as part of the Sabbath and Chanukah celebration was one that celebrates the miracle of the Maccabees.  What a special reminder of the miracle of being together with her for over 50 years.  (no maybe with this one....) Fourth, the Chanukah commemoration included lighting many menorahs (lamps)  which congregants had brought  and the rabbi spoke about how we need to bring in light to dispel the darkness, especially this week in Australia, at Brown University, and so many other places..  Sue loved the lights of the Chanukiah (the name of the Menorah or lamp that is lit during Chanukah).  As the room lit up with the brightness of the candles, I couldn't help but hear Sue's voice saying to use Chanukah as the turning point for lighting up my life with her joy and moving beyond the intense grief.  Maybe.... Fifth, I decided to list my own name for the healing prayer and was overwhelmed with emotion when we sang the section that says to have the courage to make our lives a blessing (from Debbie Friedman's Prayer for Healing).  I realized in that moment with tears once again flowing down my cheeks, that it will take courage to heal but that Sue's light and desire to always choose life and not dwell on negativity, was a model of courage that I need to emulate.  I need to follow her role model and find that courage since it was the courage of the Maccabees that led to freedom.  Perhaps the courage to make life a blessing will lead to healing and freedom from the sadness which all of you know has permeated my life for the past 37 weeks.  Maybe... Finally, I sent a picture to one of you of Sue and me and jokingly asked you who I was standing with. You wrote back that her name is "Or Chayai" or light of my life.  (And that she was...) .You told me that the way to activate the light is to smile and appreciate all the light she (and I) brought to this world and which I can continue to bring to our world if I can be joyful again.  Maybe... I would DO ANYTHING  (except root for the Chicago Cubs:-)) if the joy she created can help our world be a better place.  No maybe here... So, hopefully the miracle of Chanukah this year will be to activate the joy and free the world and myself from the sadness. With all  of your  support, maybe that day is getting closer. Thanks for continuing to accompany me on this journey.  As the dreidel (Chanukah top with Hebrew letters) teaches us, a great miracle happened there to remind us of the miracle of Chanukah.  In Israel the dreidel says, " a great miracle happened here." since the miracle of Chanukah occurred in israel.  With your help, perhaps a great miracle will happen here and the future will be filled with candles of light which will burn away the sadness for all of us.  Maybe??? And together maybe we can lighten up the new year and 2026 will be a year of blessings and joy.  Maybe??? Shabbat Shalom and Chappy Chanukah, Rabbi Bruce Aft. 

Comments

  1. GustofSkyDecember 19, 2025 at 10:17 PM

    This holiday season will be the first without my grandfather. Everyone in my family is grieving in many different ways. I thought his loss wouldn't affect me as much as other family members, but I keep seeing little reminders of his memory in my life. Reading this post reminded me of him through you and the dad jokes you would read to start each class session. If he were here right now, he'd tell me to sit down if I couldn't stand his loss. I sincerely hope both of our families heal and remember the joyous moments spent together. Thank you for your posts and sharing your experiences. I look back on the times and conversations I had with my grandpa and hope he was proud and can still hear music played for him.

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