45 Weeks, Tu B'shevat, Wisdom, and Sue's Presence

Dear Friends, So much has happened in the past week. I appreciate your bearing with me in what is once again an emotional roller coaster. Folks tell me this journey is non linear and this week exemplified that BIG TIME. The week began with speaking at the funeral of a 47 year old former student and friend of our older children. As I tried to comfort the bereaved, it was a stark reminder of the fact that many of us suffer tragedies and I can't imagine what this family is going through. Sue was in certain ways like a mom to this student and she had deep feelings about his kindness and caring. She encouraged him and mentored him and it was a reminder of how important simple acts of caring can be. In conversations with a member of the family, they introduced me to the Buddhist idea that when we experience a tragic loss, it is like an arrow going through our hearts. We are in pain and often look to try to find reasons for our pain. That can lead to the second arrow which is the guilt we feel that we might have been able to do something to prevent the tragedy or we might have behaved differently toward the person who has passed away. That second arrow can be even more painful and we play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. Believe me, as you know from reading these, I am an expert at that game. The rabbi who presided at the funeral told a story about how when someone asked G-d in the world to come, why certain things happened, they were told that there are no questions in the world to come, only answers. Therefore they would discover the reasons for the tragedy that they experienced. In this world however, there are only questions and no answers. So many of us have questions...I wish there were answers but maybe the rabbi is correct and we wlll never understand in our world why these tragic events occur. This week was also Tu B'shevat, the New Year of the Trees. (please look this up at My Jewish Learning.com to learn about how one of the Jewish new years). There is a beautiful story told about someone my age who is seen planting a tree. A young person walks by and asks the old timer why they are planting a tree when they will not live to see it bloom. He responds that as my parents planted for me, I plant for my children. I continue to see seeds of kindness emerging that Sue planted throughout her life and wish she could see all the blooms. I guess it is up to us to care for, water, and nurture those seeds by our own actions which I continue to mention in many of these blogs. All of this leads me to what was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Who would know that it would occur at a George Mason University basketball game? The person with whom we interacted at the Cemetery where Sue is buried recently gave birth to a child. When I visited Sue's burial site, she came with me to hold me up and support me. The first time she was eight months pregnant and I told Sue that she was with me and was expecting a baby. Sue LOVED babies and would ooh and ahh whenever we saw a family with a baby or very young child. I wanted Sue to know that I was being cared for by someone very special and that a new life would be coming into the world. The next time I went to the cemetery, the cemetery worker let me show Sue a picture of her baby. From generation to generation, we declare G-d's praise.... So now fast forward the recording...for lots of personal reasons the cemetery worker is a basketball fan and she let me treat her to a basketball game. She offered that I could hold the baby and for most of the game I did just that. I will tell you and it was honestly surreal (you don't know this, but I have had to step away for a second to wipe away the tears). I felt Sue sitting next to me going ooh and ahh and being envious that I could hold the baby. Somehow though she was smiling that I was enjoying new life. In that moment the story about planting seeds that blossom came to mind as this precious new life finally looked up at this stranger holding them. I will swear in court that they smiled at me. As we were leaving the game,the cemetery worker gave me a hug and in my wildest imaginings I could never have dreamt that I would be sitting at a basketball game, holding the baby of the person who arranged for Sue to be laid to rest. and embracing her and her child. She also has encouraged us to have Sue's marker say, "still sparkles, and always kind." Those are seeds that will blossom forever. The marker also will have a sketch of a woman with her head on a man's shoulder snuggling, and will say what is engraved on our wedding rings: "You are my beloved, you are my friend." What a surreal and super moment to help me get through the first Super Bowl without her. Thanks for listening... And although they are not in the game, sometime while watching we would have remembered the Bears Super Bowl victory and Sue would have said, "da Bears!" Rabbi Bruce Aft