Seeking Forgivess, The Dream, and Does this guy ever stoping whining

 Dear Friends,

I know I am cluttering your inbox, but as my brother has told me on a number of occasions after his wife died more than three years ago, he is lonely but never alone.

Well last night the lonely meter went through the roof and I know when I write to you that so many of you care and I know I am not alone.

So please forgive this blog about my spiritual wrestling match which you can certainly delete as you wish.  But, if you choose to read this, I welcome any guidance, advice, coping mechanisms, or support you can offer me.  It is a lonely morning although it will be filled with a number of activities today which will serve to keep me occupied and from moping too much.

Last night was our Selichot services which are filled with prayers encouraging us to be forgiving.  I know that this first High Holiday season without Sue being alive will be tough but I guess I didn't realize just how tough it would be.

Before the service the Cantor (musical and prayer leader) led us in a number of songs about forgiveness and created a beautiful mood to set the tone for the new year.  I confess that a number of times I had to wipe away tears that were filling my eyes.

And then....the service began and we reached the prayer which says that G-d is merciful and kind and forgiving and the rabbi asked us to privately pray for a few minutes.

And then it happened...please don't stand too close to me while you read this in case I get hit by lightning...I privately said to myself and hoped that perhaps G-d was listening...I said, "Are you freakin kidding me that You are merciful?  Cut me a break...I just don't understand You"  I just lost it...I hope that others were so absorbed in their prayers that they didn't notice me. No one called 911 but as we were leaving the rabbi made sure to tell me to drive home safely.  I am sure he noticed.  I could NOT stop crying and the tears were flowing down my face.  For the first time since Sue passed away, I could not control the tears and could not stop them.  I closed my eyes and sat there in the sacred space of a sanctuary, asking for a sign from Sue, from G-d, or something to comfort me.

How do I curse at G-d in the midst of all the blessings Sue and I enjoyed?  How can I be so greedy?  Why can't I accept that like our children believe that their mother died without suffering?  Why am I stuck in this avalanche of grief?  Why am I questioning  G-d's mercy?  I mean, G-d has created people who laugh at my jokes and Sue went to enough baseball games with me to show that there is certainly mercy in our world...Seriously, there are so many tragedies in this world.  Why don't I listen to what Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote in "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and realize that G-d's mercy has given us the tools to cope with the sadness in our world?

I know that so many of you have written that we are all human beings, but I am a rabbi and my faith in

 G-d's mercy should be strong..  So, where is my faith at this time as we begin our Holiday season?

Then the dream....I have a fear of heights and Sue and I were hiking together in my dream.  We had one place where we had to climb up some place pretty high and I did it together with Sue.  Then we reached a place where there was a ladder and Sue climbed ahead, figuring I would be okay.  I was climbing and then I couldn't go any further and I cried out, "Sue, Sue!" and there was no answer.  The ladder began to tip and I continued to cry out with no answer.  I woke up and realized it was a dream.

I am no Joseph who was known for interpreting dreams in the Bible, but as I lay there sleeplessly, I began to think two thoughts.  First, perhaps my faith is teetering as was the ladder and no one (even Sue) can help me find the faith I will need to move forward.  This is my responsibility.

Second, in the Biblical story of Jacob's dream as he sees angels ascending and descending on a ladder to heaven he wakes up and says, "Behold G-d is in this place and I knew it not."  So perhaps for me to find a way to anchor that ladder and to be able to fully be grateful for our blessings, I need to feel G-d's presence  and G-d's mercy in my heart. In that way maybe Sue will hear me and we can reconnect on that  

ladder. Maybe then she can respond to my cries for her.  She supported me in so many ways...perhaps she is telling me to practice what I preached and have the faith that she is okay and I will be also.

Perhaps G-d is saying to me, "Bruce, are you freakin kidding ME?  Look at the roses blooming in your life, look at the people who laugh at your jokes, look at your wonderful family, look at all the people you have written about and those you haven't, who are supporting you, look at the fact that the White Sox won a world series championship in your lifetime, and you don't think I am merciful???"

So, to all my friends and family out there, if you are still reading this, please be my rabbi and tell me how you find faith when you are faced with challenges.  Perhaps, you will be able to help me reconnect with Sue as I climb the ladder, trying to recognize and acknowledge all the blessings in my life and find that elusive faith for which I so desperately seek.

My sincerest gratitude to you for reading this, listening to my struggle, and maybe even responding.  

B'shalom (in peace),

Rabbi Bruce Aft