21 weeks: Wrestling with G-d

 Dear Friends,

As I commemorate 21 weeks since Sue passed away, I decided to address the elephant in the room.

I have tried to avoid confronting theological issues since I am so conflicted.  But here goes since this week I began teaching my Bible as Literature class at George Mason University and we read the book of Job and will be reading about Jacob and Esau.

Jacob sat alone, contemplating his reunion with Esau.  He fought an angel or G-d or his conscience.  They fought and fought and at the end there were no winners and Jacob's name changed to Israel, one who struggles with G-d.  Jacob asks for a blessing.  Maybe the blessing is to wrestle with G-d and yet...  he emerges wounded and then confronts his brother and you can read the rest of the story in the book of Genesis.

I have always wondered  what it would be like to wrestle with G-d.  I have been blessed my entire life and with rare exceptions, have never really had personal cause to question G-d.  As a rabbi I have dealt with numerous tragedies that others have experienced and wondered why.  I have tried to comfort people and help them through their grief.  I have not tried to offer theological reasons since I believe that random things happen that are tragic.  I have tried to give the present of my presence and hold them as so many of you  are holding me. I often wonder whether I really made a difference in those moments, but grief fills one with lots of self doubt and guilt.

And then...21 weeks ago the roof caved in.  Could I continue to believe that there are random tragedies?  Sue's passing (see I can't even say death after 21 weeks), has challenged my faith in ways I could have never imagined.

I believe that  our children believe that the sudden passing occurred to keep Sue from suffering and so that she would always be remembered as a vibrant woman, actively making a difference and being a dynamic and engaged Savta (grandmother), mother, sister, daughter, relative, friend,  active community member, kind person, great challah baker, and oh yeah...wife:-))  If this is true, and who really knows, then Sue got her wish although would probably not have wanted the death to be so sudden.  We are ALL grateful that her discomfort and pain were minimal and she didn't suffer.

BUT...I find myself wondering if somehow this is a consequence of something that caused G-d to punish either her, me, or any members of our family or our friends.  I wonder what could have been done and what could I have done to save her.  Rabbi Harold Kushner writes that if we hold G-d responsible for natural disasters. shootings and violence, , and other tragic events, then are we willing to give  G-d the credit  for those loving people that reach out when horrible events occur?    Can we be grateful to G-d for the blessings and still be upset with G-d for the sadness?  How do we live in the gray zone, balancing joy and sadness, belief and anger?

I read the book of Job with my students and Job seemed to be accepting of what happened to him and didn't challenge G-d initially.  He struggled, folks tried to challenge and comfort him, and in the end, Job turns to G-d and basically says WHY me....And G-d  responds out of the whirlwind and tells Job that  G-d operates in G-d space and we operate in human space.  There are no human answers...no moments of absolute certainty.

All this is to say that I am left with tears and questions about whether righteousness matters.  When a student of mine started crying when we met and said that these bad things are not supposed to happen to good people, I told them that life is random.  But is it?

At the end of the day, is my 44 years of being a rabbi filled with hypocrisy when I can't resolve this in my own life.

So, I wrestle and after each moment of wrestling emerge wounded, heartbroken, and yet ever hopeful that in my own personal name change from husband to widower, I will find answers to questions that right now seem daunting and insurmountable.

As we continue in the Hebrew month of Elul we are asked to begin thinking about the changes we wish to make in the Jewish new year.  I would like to change from dwelling on the pain and the sadness to becoming joyful again. 

I will conclude my ramblings this week with a line from the song, "Impossible Dream" from Man of LaMancha where the character representing Don Quixote sings "to march into hell for a heavenly cause."  I am in the midst of this awful journey and yet am continuing to lean into so many who ultimately might help me find that heavenly cause which would be Sue's joy for living and her positivity.  I know she would want that, but right now the wounds continue to be too deep for me to find that joy.

21 weeks...I can hear Sue say, "Bruce, it's time...feel my joy...be an adult and recognize the blessings we had and that you can still bring to this world if you lessen the negative.  And remember and these are your father's words from his favorite story which you have written about (see I may not be reading these but I know you must have mentioned it in your blog...)...."keep looking for the pony."  I am wounded too but the wounds will lessen if you let yours lessen.  I love you and know you loved me!  Have the faith that love can overcome even death and smile again, my precious and beloved friend.  Remember the sparkles of our love"  Love, Sue

Sabbath Peace, Shabbat Shalom, and once again, thanks for listening.  And Sue, maybe I need to listen to you...would that be a first????

Rabbi Bruce Aft