18 weeks/ The Gray Zone

 Dear Friends,


18 weeks ago today life changed forever for our family and for me.  The moments continue to be intense and the recollections are filled with love.  One of you told me that bank accounts close, but love accounts remain open forever.

Who would have thought that mild chest pain would be a sign that an aorta was about to burst?

As I continue to struggle with the grief and embrace the love and support I am receiving, I want to reiterate my gratitude to so many of you who continue to accompany me on this journey.  I hope you will continue to bear with the ups and downs and that I am not becoming a burden. You can always delete these messages:-)

In preparation for the Jewish New Year next month, I was reading the following from a prayer entitled "We are Clay."

We are the rudder
You are the helmsman
Who steers us to the left or to the right
Direct us to the shore you choose
Do not let us idly spin
Even if we consistently resist your grasp.
Remember that the waves are very strong

The waves of grief  continue to be very strong and I wrestle with the challenges of finding joy in the midst of sadness.  I continue to be reminded of Jacob's struggle with the angel where there were no winners, Jacob's name changed to Israel, (which means struggling with G-d), he emerged wounded, and he was blessed.

I am indebted to a very special student who continues to remind me that in the midst of the conflict between experiencing both sorrow, joy, and survivor guilt, that I must find a way to live in the gray zone.  There is a line in the song, "The Bluest Skies You'll Ever See..." found below that says,

"Full of hopes and full of tears, full of  laughter, full of tears, full of dreams that last for years"  Finding the gray zone is challenging and my student and friend reminds me constantly that it takes practice.

The song talks about Seattle and I am not part of the Chamber of Commerce in Seattle, and in fact would substitute, "Sue" for every time the song says Seattle. The reason this song came to mind is that recently someone who has become a  dear friend and her husband celebrated their 25th anniversary and some other dear friends will be celebrating their 25th anniversary next year  I remember when we celebrated our 25th anniversary in the national parks around Seattle, I asked Sue (many of you  who heard this in tributes I gave four months ago) what she wanted for our anniversary. She told me she wanted me to tell her I loved her more often.  I wish I had told her much more often and hope you will tell your partners and loved ones how much you care.

I encourage all of us to listen to the following song, "Dangling Conversation." Martin Buber, a famous Jewish philosopher, talks about I Thou relationships and how many times we engage in I It conversations. You should look him up to learn more about his philosophy.   Please, please please make meaningful moments for loving conversations where you let those you care about know how much you care about them.  As you will hear, don't wait so that all you have left is to kiss the shadow of your loved one and a longing to hold their hand.

On our wedding rings it says "you are my beloved, you are my friend" a verse from the Song of Songs in the Bible.  As I try to find the gray zone and experience joy in the midst of sorrow, I treasure the blessings of love and friendship in the midst of the wound of her passing.  

As I mark 18 weeks symbolic of Chai in Hebrew which means life as you remember from last week, what I miss the most and when the waves are strongest, is the opportunity to talk and listen to my best friend.

So...the wrestling continues, but as the days go by, there are more recollections of blessings and mazel tovs and small moments that  remind me of dreams and treasures that will last forever.

I will conclude this rambling blog with an excerpt from "Guantanamera" which you have heard me reference many times.

"A little brook on a mountain, the cooling spray of a fountain, arouse in me an emotion, more than the vast boundless ocean, for there's a wealth beyond measure in little things that we treasure."

May you treasure the little things and find the balance to live in  the gray zone in life, between laughter and tears,  and make and rediscover dreams that will last for years, with your loved ones.

Once again, thanks for listening,

Rabbi Bruce Aft

(There should be links to two songs below)

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