15 weeks, Field of Dreams, Kaddish/ Memorial Prayer

 Dear Friends,

I need a hug today....Please bear with me as I write this blog which will be a window to my soul.

It was 27 years ago that my father died and a participant at the International Teen Kallah (Learning Institute) asked me if my father and I ever kissed each other.  I only remembered a few times he would kiss me on the "kepe" (Yiddish for forehead).  I told this to the teenager who was disappointed that my Dad and I  hadn't shared our affection with a kiss.

As he walked away, I called him back and told him that my Dad and I liked to play catch and that each time the ball hit the glove, we were kissing.  He walked away smiling, feeling that my Dad and I had shared special moments in a meaningful way.

What does that have to do with the Field of Dreams and Kaddish?

I have struggled over the last 15 weeks to find a meaningful way to remember Sue in a Jewish ritual way.  I have dutifully said Kaddish and you all know that I am thinking about her all the time.

I was at the Field of Dreams in Iowa today with one of our grandchildren.  I was there 11 years ago when I received a very special baseball glove from one of our children on behalf of their siblings. We played catch and had a wonderful day 11 years ago.  Sue took videos and pictures and I treasure the photo album she created.

But today was something incredibly sacred.  As our grandson and I played catch, I did something that we are told doesn't happen in baseball (check out the movie, " A League of Their Own" about the women's baseball league where the manager says there is no crying in baseball).  I began to cry and honestly for much of our game of catch, I could not stop crying.  I was wearing sunglasses so our grandson probably was totally oblivious to the emotional outpouring of his partner in the game of catch.

I cried and cried because I missed her so intensely today and I  finally found a meaningful way to remember Sue.  Each time the ball hit our gloves (and sometimes we missed:-), I remembered and will always remember her.

With each throw and ball hitting the glove,I felt Sue's love and embrace.  Anyone who knows us well is well aware of all the professional baseball games Sue attended with me and how many times she came to my games and would cheer me on when I pitched.  She encouraged me to sign up for the adult league in which I play currently back in 1995 and I have been playing ever since.

As we played catch I remember the hours my Dad and I played, all the baseball that all of our children have played with me (and often with Sue), and how we played baseball the day after Sue died gathering  together as four children and their Dad.  I remembered my Mom's videotaping me pitching on Doubleday Field in Cooperstown, NY next to the Baseball Hall of Fame where I pitched to my Dad when I was 12.  I remember Sue videotaping me two years ago at a tournament at that same field.

I realized that the quote that is at the Field of Dreams which is printed below, is how Sue lives on.  "If you build it, they will come."  Sue built (with some assistance from me (I hope)), a wonderful family that has come through to support me in the last 15 weeks and has done the best they could to share their love for their mother, each other, their families,  and me throughout the years.  She (and I) built a family and they have come through.

So today as our grandson and I played catch and as I write this now, my eyes are filled with tears of sorrow, love, joy, and the realization that today's game of catch was the most meaningful memorial prayer that I know how to offer.

Sue, I doubt you are reading this, but please know I love you.  As the main character says to his Dad in the movie, Field of Dreams, "Sue, do you want to have a catch?"

RAY, PEOPLE WILL COME RAY.

THEYL'L COME TO IOWA FOR REASONS THEY CAN'T EVEN FATHOM. THEY'LL TURN UP YOUR DRIVEWAY N O T KNOWING FOR SURE WHY THEYR' E DOING IT. THEYL' L ARRIVE AT YOUR DOOR AS INNOCENT AS CHILDREN, LONGING FOR THE PAST. OF COURSE, WE WONT'

MIND IF YOU LOOK AROUND, YOUL' L SAY. IT'S ONLY $20 PER PERSON. THEYL' L PASS OVER THE MONEY WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT: FOR IT IS MONEY THEY HAVE AND PEACE THEY LACK. AND THEY'LL WALK OUT

TO THE BLEACHERS: SIT IN SHIRTSLEEVES ON A PERFECT AFTERNOON. THEYL' L FIND THEY HAVE RESERVED SEATS SOMEWHERE ALONG ONE OF THE BASELINES, WHERE THEY SAT WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN AND CHEERED THEIR HEROES. AND THEYL' L WATCH THE GAME AND IT'LL BE AS

IF THEY DIPPED THEMSELVES IN MAGIC WATERS. THE MEMORIES WILL BE SO THICK THEYL' L HAVE TO BRUSH THEM AWAY FROM THEIR FACES. PEOPLE WILL COME RAY. THE ONE CONSTANT THROUGH ALL THE YEARS. RAY, HAS BEN BASEBALL. AMERICA HAS ROLLED BY LIKE AN ARMY OF STEAMROLLERS. IT HAS BEEN ERASED LIKE ABLACKBOARD, REBUILT AND ERASED AGAIN. BUT BASEBALL HAS MARKED THE TIME. THIS FIELD, THIS GAME: IT'S APART OF OUR PAST. RAY. IT REMINDS US OF ALL THAT ONCE WAS GOOD AND IT COULD BE AGAIN. OH... PEOPLE WILL COME RAY.

PEOPLE WILL MOST DEFINITELY COME. 

And today I came, and so did Sue, my parents, our children, their families, those of you who have supported and befriended us over the years and now, and I shared it with our grandson.  It was a reminder of  Sue's goodness and her kindness and why I miss her so much and hope and pray that it may be good again sometime.

Anyone have a hug?

Bruce